Before I forget, let me count the ways


 Before I forget, let me count the ways I have:  


  1. taken an energetic quantum leap forward with major headwinds and resistance and literal blockages in my path. 


  1. freaked someone else out with my plans and did it anyway. 


  1. known my limits and pushed them over the edge.


  1. was told that I was mean, angry, scary and now know what they meant was that I am strategic, determined, consistent.   These qualities frighten others who don’t have these qualities.  


  1. celebrated my wins, reinforced my daily habits, and asked for help along the way. 

 

From here I ask myself, 


Where am I resisting forgiveness still?  Why become aware of misinformed programmed tendencies if I am not willing to take action? 


Am I holding myself back?  Am I focusing too much on ‘their’ healing and not enough on my own?   Am I forgetting my own boundaries and ability to step away when I need to?  Have I avoided relationships that can actually help me make the right decision? What is the right decision?  What is right? 


My reality is subjective and informed by this stress at this time.   I keep waiting.  Waiting and choosing again.  But I am always disappointed.  I am always let down.  I am always left feeling resentment and anger and sadness.  No.  I get to reframe.  I get to put ‘always’ on the shelf and choose again.  


It is said that to love is to be happy about being sad.    It is the ability to feel both and.  I feel happy and I feel sad.  But what happens when your sad overtakes your happy?  What if your happy disappears?  Can you live with yourself knowing that you have done everything it takes to be happy again?  To stay strong in the face of adversity and to ignore the shame that tries to stick to you in the night when you are most vulnerable?   


I can.  I’ve tried everything.  I am happy.  I am sad.  I have found many, many moments of happy. And many more moments of sad.  But at the end of the day, it is enough to just feel.  Allow yourself to feel Both And.


The truth is I am in love with my life.  I am in love with building a path for my daughter where there was no road for me to walk.  I should not be here, but yet here I am.    


But now. 


It gets to be easy.  


The decisions are clear.  A golden white road lays before me and I take one step after the other honoring myself and my decisions with each step.  I am not my body.  I am not my name.  I am not the movie that I have written up until this point in time.  I stand for something greater than myself.  Greater than these four walls around me, no matter how costly it was to get here and even more costly to stay put without taking action.  


What is your life worth if you are no longer living it?  No longer feeling it?    


I am greater than the sum of my parts.  I am greater than the aura around me when it is hiding in terror at knowing I have made the wrong decision.  There are no wrong decisions.  Even a wrong decision will lead you to clarity and something right.  Even fear itself is a teacher.  It is necessary.  It is true.  It is real.  Honor that.  Honor knowing that this too shall pass.  That your lens will become clearer and clearer in time. With each choice of accepting to feel.  Even when it hurts to do so.  Especially when it hurts.  


Guilty by association?  I am not my peers.  I am not my partner.  I am not my past.  I am not my future.  I am here now.  


Ready and able to love myself.  


Again, and again and again.  


To be here now, again, and again and again.  


Eventually instead of reading the cards about what happened, I will write the cards and begin to craft a future of what is.  


I choose to decide how I feel.  I choose to use my anger, my sadness and my guilt to celebrate my growth and the release of shame that accompanies this path. 


For there will always be shame, 


and there will always be guilt, 


but I can choose to see it for what it is. 


- another chance to feel.  


 

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